Just Thinking Out Loud

What will become of us…

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I just masterbated with another dude via a chatroulette-like site.

What will become of us? What is this really all about? Is the life in Christ at a snail’s pace, or am I missing something?

Am I supposed to care so much about my failings? Should I view these moments even like that? 

Once upon a time I had a thought that God actually celebrates with us when we fail? Why? Because He sees the end game; He sees your victory further down the road, and now you’re just X amount of falls away from success. But it doesn’t feel that way. 

Should I feel shame? Should I have regret or remorse? But wait, isn’t Satan the accuser of the brethren? Am I not agreeing with him as I contemplate these wonderings?

Once upon another time, I told a group of kids in a youth group to look to Christ always. Stop looking at what you did and start looking to what Jesus did.

How should we respond to sin? I think that’s what I’m ultimately asking.

My greatest aim is to get past this, but how? I did, once upon yet another time, but I’m not over this hurtle at present. But maybe that’s the problem–maybe my attention shouldn’t be here. Or should it?

You see what I mean? I don’t know the proper response to this. I don’t, and it’s an endless dog-chasing-tale circumstance–a catch 22, as they say. (Why is it called that?) I want to understand why I keep falling and how to move on, but then I’m not sure if I should be wondering about this to begin with. So I’m no steps forward and two steps back.

Sins a bitch. I’m confused.

The Holy Within the Sin

I recently had a conversation with my younger brother. We were discussing how he feels distant from God as a result of distraction or being caught up in sin.

“I wish I could just be dead, that way I can stop worrying about the cares of this world and have God be with me constantly.”

How many times have we had these thoughts?
“Oh there’s just too many things stealing my attention from the One that matters.” “I’m overwhelmed with sin.” “Once I get myself together I’ll come to Jesus.” “I’m just too busy for God.” “I wish I could just sneak away to be with Him.”

A song comes to mind. “Look at all the pretty things, that keep me far away.” A movie quote comes also. “My grandmother used to always tell me, ‘Take Jesus wherever you go, and if you can’t take Him there, don’t go.'”

The song insinuates that there are “shiny things of the soul,” which gravitate our ADD “third eye.” We’ll drift away; we’ll loose sight, and although those thoughts speak of intimacy with a person as if loosing eye-contact, we must not take a that wavelength a step further–these things pull me away from God.

The movie insinuates another thing–there are places God won’t go with you. The quote could read, “Take God with you everywhere. Just don’t go to the bar or club. Don’t sin. He can’t go there because He’s holy.”

“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol (Hell), you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.” (Psalm 139:7-12 ESV)

What does this say about our classic cliches? What does it do to our theology when this verse is truly applied to life?

As my brother continued his monologue of “I just wish I could be near to God now,” I responded with. “Invite Him into everything, especially the sin.”

My brother’s response was much like any “normal” Christian. “Oh, I can’t do that. He’s holy. Darkness and light do not mingle. He’s clean and that’s just filth.”

Our Christian phrases that have made oh so much sense, are not even Biblical. The last time I checked, Jesus was God coming to a sin ridden fest pool. He already got in the mud; he already stepped into the darkness, for it’s as light to Him. The vail was torn with the words, “It is finished.”

I don’t know about you, but some of the most profound moment where I KNOW I heard God was right before and in my sin. “Don’t do this. I love you. It won’t satisfy. This isn’t who you are.” A vast number of my spiritual epiphanies have occurred postdate my most sinful of moments. In the wake of my deathly decisions, I’ve heard the most sweetest of whispers. “You’re loved. You are not condemned. You no longer have to weep. Joy is coming.”

I recently had a conversation with a more liberal pastor whose suggestion to my homosexual tendencies was to masterbate to straight porn. Believe it or not, it’s a clinically proven fact that your hormones and tastes are trained. Though I want to get married, though I find women beautiful, but penis has been trained to jump to a boy. Your hormones are aroused by what you’ve ejaculated to. Guess what, if you masterbate to bridges, you’ll get hard on bridges.

With that in mind, there have been times where I’ve looked at gay porn over the course of the past few months. As stated in previous blogs, my sexuality has been a tumult to say the least. But instead of “feeling far from God,” because that’s all it is–a feeling, I welcome God into my sin. I hear Him whisper to my heart, “Landon, you can go there, but this is not who you are.”

My God stood by my side through the all ten minutes of perusing the profane, even up to the moment of “climax.” As I ejaculated, I heard God say, “Okay, let’s think of a woman and retrain that brain. Sex is about intimacy. It’s going to be beautiful, and you’re meant to share this with your sweetheart, while gazing into her eyes.” And so I imagine that. I imagine it with her, and it’s been transforming my sexuality. The idea of taking one in the ass now sound painful and gross, when a few blogs before I was talking about how I want that.

What is happening to me? Am I schizophrenic, or is something happening to my hear as I allow the love of an all-consuming God to enter into my darkest of places? Agape really is as powerful as He claims. Unconditional love does something to the deepest of scars. I’m a first-hand account of that truth.

Eternally in His love, even when I’m “not where He can go (hogwash).”