Doubt

I doubt often.

It was over a year ago that I heard God say, “I will find you in this.” This, meaning, my relationship with Joey. He’s shared a lot of other similar words:

~ No matter where you go or what you choose, I’ll go with you.

~ The purpose of this season is to teach you unconditional love. You’ve never really known it.

~ I’m not scared of this.

~ I’m not too proud to demand my way. We co-labor.

~ There are bright days ahead.

Growing up in a Christian school, Christian home, Christian church (literally everything was Christian), you would hear this prayer a lot. “LORD, have your way with Jimmy.” This was normally prayed in reference to a dying Jimmy, a sick Jimmy, a lame Jimmy. It hardly ever was prayed for a healthy Jimmy. I always viewed it as the cop-out prayer. It gets you off the hook. If he dies, it’s on the LORD’s hands. Not mine. I still kind of view it as the cop-out prayer. That said, I’ve been praying it.

I’m so unsure as to how my life should go, I started coping out with a “God, I seriously have no clue. This person says this. I thought you said that. But here I am and I love this man. What’s so wrong loving a man? Forget it! Just have your way.” I say it jokingly, but I truly do mean it. As referenced before, I truly believe morality is more about God looking out for your best interest than him waiting for you to fuck up with a switch. That said, I do want His way. But I also don’t want to just take everyone’s word for it. I want Him to decide what’s best for me.

This probably goes back to self-doubt. That’s a killer for me. I’m always doubting my decisions. Buyers remorse is present in a lot more than a store with this guy. As soon as I make a move, I wish I had a receipt. It’s easier to say, “God, have your way.” But I have also been hearing Him say, “I honor your choice. I work with it. I’m producing Good with every decision.”

So here I am, making a decision, trusting God to break it or bless it, trusting He meant it when He said He’d find me in it. But this creates a few things:

  1. It makes wonder at what point is He going to jump from behind a corner you’re about to turn in life and say, “Sike! I’m breaking this shit!” and smashes my relationship. It’s like I’m holding my breath for an explosion.
  2. If things get hard, it quickly turns from, “Oh, we’re having relationship issues” to “Well, no shit this is happening. Serves you right for trying to do this when God say ‘no’. You don’t get help. You’re doing this on your own. You made this mess now clean it up.” When issues come up in our relationship, I have no ground to stand on. It could be the hand of God. No one can stand up to that.

But isn’t this proof that I don’t know unconditional love? If anything, this solidifies that I’m on track because I desperately need to learn this. So my prayer stays the same, and I truly mean it.

“Teach me Your Agape Love. Have Your Way.”