Overwhelmed

I’m a bit overwhelmed right now, like emotions are bubbling over. So much so that I bailed out on going home to just be alone at a coffee shop and write. So here’s a bunch of verbal vomit. It’s probably going to go everywhere.

I feel like I don’t want to be gay. Like I don’t want to be dating Joey. First off, there’s the element that I honestly don’t see how Joey and I work out. He’s absolutely phenomenal, but I just don’t see it because we’re so fundamentally different. I think for a while that I tried to paint him as a bad guy because I felt like I was required to let him go. But now, I can’t ignore how good he really is, how well he loves me. Regardless of what happens, I can’t vilify him for the sake of justifying my actions. If I were to break up with him, I would have to know that I would still love him, that I value who he is, and that he’s not evil. He’s honestly pretty great. I just don’t see how we match at all.

Beyond that, I just honestly don’t know if I want to be with a guy. Or I’m scared to be with a guy. Or I’m scared to be with a woman.

Okay, here are the elements:

  1. Emotionally, a man has been great. I have never felt the things like I’ve felt with any of my girlfriends.
  2. It doesn’t seem fair to ask a girl to date me/potentially be my wife. All my girlfriends have said how they never felt like they were enough, that physical touch meant more from a man than them. And it’s true. I look around and I could imagine laughing with women or having a relationship. But I can’t imagine being intimate with them.
  3. I hate gay sex. There’s this uncertainty as to who will play what “position”. There’s cleanliness. There are beliefs that we were never meant to have anal sex. I feel dirty after. There are gender roles that freak me out. And, I just straight up don’t like it all that much.
  4. I want my own kids, but that’s impossible with a man.
  5. I just don’t want to be gay. Statistics show they’re more depressed, there’s the whole Bible thing, I don’t get kids, a wedding, acceptance, and a family. Instead, I get depression, damnation, and isolation. That’s what the trade feels like in my head and heart, get a boyfriend at the cost of…
  6. I truly want a woman… I think. Or all that comes with it. All that’s promised with it: kids, normalcy, acceptance, a nucleus family, the end of this emotional/moral division in my chest.

A piece of me believes that the tension will release once I dump Joey. That the skies will open, all will be well, I’ll get “back on track”, that I’ll have purpose and vision, that it’ll all work together. A piece of me believes that this is how it’s going to go down. That it was destined for this and I’ve only been living on borrowed time, that the expiration of this relationship passed long ago. A piece of me believes that gay relationships will leave me lacking. It’s like being deaf. I didn’t choose this. But I have to live this life in spite of it. So do I learn to read lips and pass as hearing? Or do I try treatment and therapy, trying to fix my deafness with a colloquial implant? Or, do I live with deafness and learn a language that only the deaf have adopted to survive in this hearing world, in this straight world.

Most days I don’t even feel gay… I don’t know what to do about that. So I’ve adopted the phrase, “I’m human” from an old friend. Because that’s what I am, ultimately… human. I’m Landon Affleck. Period. Here I am.

And then I hear Him say, “Slow down, take time. Breathe in. We don’t need to figure this out today. We don’t need answers today. We don’t need this tension resolved. Breathe in. I’m here. I’m right here. Your destiny is not destroyed. Your purpose has not ben forfeited.  I’m redeeming every breath.”

And I need to hold onto that. It’s when I don’t that I panic and freak out. I have to trust the Divine Hand, and that I’m okay. I’m safe, regardless of what happens.

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